random sh*t

when? now the other one? now the chicken is cooked...
it has flown to the coop, the cooper tire planet, the one in to the other one,
what? random? theater neanderthal? you know that you're crazy when eyes...

the other one? lets go, ill be over, we'll go together....ok, sounds good, sounds perfect
sounds like a plan, sounds like the way to go, good stuff, right on, keep um comin,

no way man, that sh*ts whack

a morning dream

we were in an Avis van, my mom, my dad, and me. we were heading to the airport to go out of the country, to africa I think. when we got to the airport, it was really big but kind of run down. it looked like a mid-80's terminal with the architecture and old paint. when we got on the plane it turned out that there was a little problem with the throttle control. due to some wire, the engines would suddenly get cut, and then start again. it was like if you had a bad connection with a wall jack and the thing you had plugged in couldn't decide to stay on or turn off, so it would just flicker. the pilot, who was this old guy with wispy gray hair in a horseshoe around his head and a kind of shabby but not unclean outfit, was able to keep the plane from falling out of the sky. the trick, you see, is to use the potential energy from being high up in the air to give some speed when the engines cut out. at one point, (I was sleeping in the coach section, curled up with one of those pillows), my mom woke me up because they had lost enough altitude that the ground was coming up. I looked out and couldn't see much in the dark, but it looked like a huge, black, ocean. in fact it was trees. from the ground, anyone standing in the path of the airplane would have seen a huge 747 clipping the canopy branches. at one point we got so low we actually chopped off the top centimeter of a tree branch reaching above the rest of the canopy, "that is a sight you don't see everyday".

the next thing we were in the Avis van again, but no longer in america. we had ditched the plane because it was taking too long and we had got a van and were going to the local airport (now in africa or something) to get a new flight to our final destination. when we got to the airport it was nice, and there were a lot of africans with yellow and green colored outfits walking around, and quite a few of them were in wheelchairs. "it must be because of the heat, that they don't want to walk". we came to a door that said 'Le colonie HaHa's', which was the name of the dominant group at the time. My mom reached for the door and I told her to stop and explained. the door led to a corridor that we couldn't see much about. there was another door 'The Boy's Hatanian' which I thought they were from Haiti and were obviously the second most powerful group. Their room was dark, as in a unused movie theater, and in the same fashion had stadium style seating but the seats seemed to all be facing uphill, towards the back of the theater. "Come on mom", we walked down to a lower level, where there was a door that led in the same direction as the corridor above, towards the airplanes.

four dreams

I was standing in a crowded place, probably somewhere near the ocean. I started to hear screams, and I could tell that everyone started looking in the same direction. I followed their gazes and saw it: a huge wave. At first we thought it was water, but then the smell hit us, it was gasoline. the pungent odor changed things immediately, instead of worrying about drowning or clunking your head when the water hit, now we were worried about the vegetation, it was all going to die. I found an old cold meat locker which was neither cold nor had meat in it, but it had no windows and a door that locked airtight. when the water hit, I couldn't feel anything of movement of the locker, but I could hear all that was going on on the outside. I noticed a small, opened can of nacho cheese sauce and thought "im going to need to save this so when I get out of here I have some food, since there won't be any when I get out". I knew I had to watch out 'cause if it was water, a little drop of water in the cheese sauce wouldn't hurt it, but if gas got in it it would ruin it. eventually, the noises stopped, but I didn't know if I was at the bottom of the gas ocean or floating at the top, but then I could hear people crying coming from the crack in the door.

the scene on top was much different then the old world. only the tops of mountains had a few trees and is where all the people now separated lived. everyone had formed into zealous fanatical groups. there was one group who felt strongly about this, and this group thought we should do it this way and so they wanted to do it like this, and one small group was in charge of the food. you were lucky to get a crust of bread in a day, they were unfair with the distribution. I killed someone, stabbed them, when they tried to get my food, I didn't want to hurt anybody, I just wanted to live.

There were five of us, in some kind of a ghost trick house. shadows flew by just outside your vision and you knew if the shadows got you they would kill you. you walked slowly, trying to avoid the shadows, but if you saw one coming you ran. one room was cluttered with two doors in and out, and there was a disgusting bathroom that was a safe room, there were a few staircases that kept leading to different places. every once in a while, you heard a scream, now there are only four...now only three. finally, a shadow got me and I freaked out.... everything went out.

the game started over, but this time I WAS the ghost. I had to run, run as fast as I could because I knew if I was seen then I would cease to exist. I was constantly running, here comes someone run up the stairs, look for an exit, the sliding door into the closet, now what, there is a small staircase to a passage upstairs, look for an exit, run run run... finally, I was cornered, I couldn't get away from the human that was unknowingly trapping me in the room, he saw me, and I was so mad that I was going to cease to exist, I shook him, screaming, until he died.

she was really really big in the belly. she got a little smaller in the belly by having a little baby, but the big baby was still in the belly. we went to the woods and the baby was walking through the trees. we weren't paying attention for a moment. the woods took the little baby, we hadn't watched it for a moment and now it was gone. later, near the football fields where the band was practicing, we saw the cop lights coming. three cruisers pulled up, they were school cars, not the real thing. we thought they must have come to deliver a message to one of the people out here since there was no phone, maybe. but then they got out of the cruisers and started walking towards the woods. you could see flashlights. then, from far away, you could hear the calls of the persons name they were looking for, the woods had claimed another and they were looking for them.

the soccer game was very competitive, but we were up by a goal. we switched some positions, the large golden skinned guy with the mexican team shirt played behind me on defense. he shouldn't be playing defense. he makes a big mistake and they score. I tell him, "you are really good on offense, don't play defense", and he nods. I reassign someone else to the position and we take our places again in the center of the field. now I'm on a break away, but the guy behind me pulls on my shirt to slow me down, I fall. I chase after him and cleat him in the back of the leg with my cleated shoes. he says, "hey" and I say "don't pull my shirt and I won't cleat you". now even when I don't have the ball, he is behind me holding on to my shirt and yelling "faster, faster" because I am like a dogsled dog pulling him through the dirt. I put my cleat on his throat and step on it, then the same on his exposed belly. he looks at me with surprise, but no anger. the other team doesn't like that I'm abusing their teammate, so they start harassing me as well. I have enough cleats to go around. the game is very competitive.

and another thing

why is it that the little indian restaurants always charge you for everything everything. i mean, $1.50 for raita, $1.65 for onion chutney, you wanna have a refill? $2.00, you want some soup? $2.95 each, you spend $41 on a 'dinner for two' and spend $25 on 'extras'...

...and another thing

what, exactly, is wrong with a 28 year old getting a remote helicopter for his birthday? hmmm? no, what is wrong with that? what is wrong with going to the store and buying 10 more of those bad boys so all your friends can have one and you can have mid-air helicopter wars? huh? what's wrong with having a martini set and a remote controlled helicopter be simultaneously the best birthday presents you could have asked for?

...and another thing

what is up with your buddy coming over to your party, getting on the phone for 20 minutes, and leaving pubes on your toilet seat? is this normal? is this really something that i want to understand and have be a part of the 'things that i acknowledge as being understood', prolly not.

...and another thing

what is up with your girlfriend changing your f-u-c-q-i-n-g desktop all the f-o-c-k-n-g time? she has her own computer, or at least she has her own settings or whatever. change your own god-dammit desktop and leave my shit alone dammit!

ok im done, but seriously...

life on earth and reverse time theory

one of the things i'll never forget about my dad are the times when I would be laying in bed, i've always had trouble sleeping, so he would come in and sit and we would talk about all sorts of stuff. usually somewhat science based. planets, extra-t life, the idea of huge distances, new technology on this planet, the future.

this has been a common way of me to communicate forever since then. sometimes it isn't what the situation is called for (think: girls), but this isn't something i can just turn off when its not appropriate. nope. this is the way i am.

my dad and i never talked about the past. or if we talked about anything other than the future, we would talk about the far distant past, saying "back then they didn't realize that the sun was really a big ball of gas, their explanation was ...", or "they used to think that the sun went around the earth, too..." and never about OUR past. again, for better or worse, i have a lot of trouble feeling regret, happiness about my own life up to this point. i don't think it is really a character flaw as much as a trait, after all, everybody is different.

as far as I can tell, the way I am is a result of where I have been. but couldn't it go the other way? Can't you look at it to say that the person I am now completely determines what experiences I must have had up to this point to make me do things the way that I do them? I call this viewpoint "reverse time theory" and it goes something like this:

ex: as i look out the window, i see a young man riding down the street on a bicycle. i think to myself, "that man is going somewhere". but then i realize, "that man is coming from somewhere, too". is he riding in front of my face as a result of where he is going or where he has been? of course, since i'm at my window, it must be a result of both since my window is likely to be in between both locations. but now make me an "impartial observer" independent of my own location. i'm just an observer watching this guy go by, ok fine.

then i would say (if i was being completely honest with myself) that the reason he is peddling on his bike is because of the decision he made at home to go, and the speed hes riding at is because of his past experience with riding bikes, and the pothole he swerved around was because he didn't want to crash. in order for me to be who i am, and make the decisions that i make, my past has to be exactly the way it is. any change in my past would have altered my present from it's current state.

we say that things had to happen in the past so that things in the present can be the way they are. in other words, if anything in the "past" had been different, then so would the present be different. so we in general think that the past influences the present. let me say it one more time, and please don't think im completely crazy: in order for me to be who i am, and make the decisions that i make, my past has to be exactly the way it is. any change in my past would have altered my present from it's current state.

can we "reverse the arrow of time" and find that everything still makes sense? I'm sitting here typing, clean as a whistle. before that i thought about typing, before that i was taking a shower, before that i was eating breakfast, before that i was hungry, before that i was sleepy eyed, before that i was asleep.

can we ask that effect implies cause? according to some physics books i've read, this is a completely acceptable way of thinking about things, but i've run out of time for now (when i get to school, i'll be on time) so i guess i better go now.

friends

who is going to listen to you? when you are talking stuff that somebody has to understand, to be normal. to be a person, and feel like everything is o.k.

who is going to be there for you when you need to do those things that are too hard to do alone. who can give you rides, and you can use their truck, and who are you going to give rides to? who can you be dinner guests with and invite over for dinner?

is it enough to feel like something, somebody by yourself? do you? why do you feel the need to get out and connect? is the connection there? if so, who is on the other end?

which is better: the best or good enough?

in economics, there is this idea that it is best to spend your money on something until the additional utility you get per dollar stops increasing. that is, until d^2U/dx^2=0. for example, if you could spend $1 on chocolate to get 100 utility, then $2 to get 300 utility, $3 to get 600 utility, and $4 to get 700 utility, then you should spend $3. This is because the 2nd dollar you spend gives you an additional 200 utility, the 3rd dollar you spend gives you an additional 300 utility, but the 4th dollar you spend only gives you another 100 utility. so even though you still get more "happiness" from spending $4 rather than $3, the extra benefit from that 4th dollar isn't as much as the extra benefit from the 3rd dollar, so the 3rd dollar is the last one you should spend.

this concept could be called, doing things 'good enough'. since in some sense, im not really getting the most possible utility out of chocolate if i employ this technique. maybe i could have maxxed out utility from chocolate by spending $10 and getting a maximum of 755 utility, and if i spend one more dollar i go down in utility (since then i have a belly-ache).

it's pretty reasonable, then to see that doing things good enough might be better than doing them to the best possible extent of how good you can do them.

the question that i want to pose is this: does the same argument work in every day to day life? Is doing things good enough (or half-way as my wife likes to call it : P) actually better than doing things the best you can?

I think i tend to employ the technique of doing things good enough. and the reason is that i have a lot of different pulls on my time, and if i focused too heavily on one then the other would suffer. so im constantly trying to find that line where i can stop doing something because the 'dollar' (in this case, just think arbitrary resource unit) i spend could be better used somewhere else. in short, my total utility looks something like a product of the utility i get from each facet of my life, with certain weights. maybe my utility function looks something like this

U(x_1,x_2,...,x_n)=prod_j (x_j^i_j) + L

L is some function which somehow records what has been happening in the last week and thus deforms the real utility function accordingly (ex. a bad week means L is negative, getting cookies means L is positive)

the point is this: you want to try to maximize your total utility, but if you lack on any one thing then you can't really be that happy. so even if you really do well in one aspect of the n things that you consider important, you better not neglect the other n-1 things that you want to do well at, otherwise, you can't be as happy as possible.

i think this idea has been a long time coming so long as i can think of myself as 'me' (this is another idea maybe ill tell you all at some point: how the 'me' changes, is born and dies, to become different 'me's from time to time, usually dying after some big change. i kind of talked about this briefly in the previous post, something like people tend to stay about the same unless something dramatic happens to 'change' them. the changing i call 'death', but it's not really death as in the termination of life, but rather the termination of the personality traits which signify the person as 'me', and the introduction of new traits which are somehow fundamentally different than the old 'me')

i think the reason i thought of this post is a talk i was having with a recruit; it was brought up if i thought that it was good to have a family and be in the dept at the same time. i said absolutely and that it was hard to balance everything at the same time, but totally worth it. of course, being me, i wouldn't make it any other way.