that smell

i was driving a lot the last couple days. we had spring break, and i went to a cool waterpark where I got to surf on this big thing called a "flowrider", and i visited my old town and got to play video games, i worked for my dad, and i went to a few great restaurants. but that's for another time...

i was on my way to my dad's, after dropping of j. and m. at my mom's place. i was speeding, a little too fast. doing 68 in a 55 apparently. so when i saw the cop pulling into the turn around in front of me, i knew he was for me. he didn't leave much to the imagination since he put on his lights early enough before i passed him that there was not much of a chance to think anything else.

i always get tickets, and never warnings. j. is cute, so when she gets pulled over, you better believe that she gets a warning. as an aside, one time when she was going like 25 over the limit, she got pulled over and the cop was like "look, i'm really sorry but I just can't let you off with a warning". you know you got it good when the friggin cop is apologizing to YOU for having to give you a ticket!

anyway, the cop came up to the passenger window, so that he didn't get creamed by a passing car, i'd imagine. i rolled down the window, which is only possible since i was in my mom's car. maybe this is a good time to mention that my moms car is stinky with lingering cigar smoke from her husbands bad habit, stinky from hay and barn smells from my moms job working for $10/hr cleaning cow crap, and that the backseat was filled to the ceiling with junk. old cups, things she picked up at thrift stores, garage sales, gift shops, extra clothes, blankets, picture frames, boots, old recipts, old mail, ....

so the cop comes up to the window and i roll down the window... license and registration and proof of insurance ... can't find the shit in my moms car, man this sucks ... can you step out of the car ... that's weird ... come back here to my cruiser , here sit in the passenger seat ... oh shit, wtf man ... son, do you smoke?

"what, like cigarettes?"
"..."
"i smoke cigarettes, but I don't have any on me right now"
"the reason i ask is that i smell marijuana in your car"
"what? no way, there is no pot in the car sir."
"o.k., well, it smells as though you have been smoking marijuana."
"sir, there is no pot in the car, i have not been smoking pot in the car, there is nothing in the car sir"
"well, we'll see"

by this time i'm not exactly freaking out, but i'm not exactly not freaking out either. the good news is, there really is nothing in the car and i have nothing to worry about. you would think that this situation was humorous, maybe, or maybe not. it does get better, though...

"10-niner fourty-seven, radio dispatch is there any units in the area?"
(radio responds in chalie brown type squelches)
"i'm going to need a two-niner-one on 24 near route nine"
(10-4)

so i'm just sitting here, thinking how stupid this whole thing is, i'm considering where i was headed (to go work for my dad), and how i probably shouldn't speed, and things like this...

"you might as well just tell us where it is, because we are going to find it"
"sir, there is nothing in the car, i haven't been smoking, there is no pot in the car sir"
"when i walked up to the car I could smell marijuana,"
"sir, my mom's husband smokes cigars, maybe that is the smell that you are mistaking for pot"
"i know the difference between cigars and marijuana smoke"
"sir, there is no pot in the car, sir"

he goes back to writing my speeding ticket. a few minutes later a cop with his cruiser lights on pulls behind the cruiser we're in, the hwy cop comes to the window, and our captor asks him...

"go up to that car and tell me what you smell"

without responding, the hwy cop walks up to the passenger window, which is still open, he takes off his hat, sticks his head entirely in the window. he holds in there for a few seconds. when he comes out he has a slightly displeased, pensive look on his face. he doesn't move for a moment, deciding apparently what to do at this point, does he smell anything?

nope, can't decide, better go around to the driver's side for a better whiff. takes off his hat, puts his head in that side. comes out, walks to the window of the cruiser our hero currently occupies the front passenger seat and our hero's captor sits still writing out the ticket, not looking up, not even questioning the outcome of his request...

"somebody been doing a hit?"

i look up, the hwy's countenance is jovial, amused, friendly, not oppressive.

"no sir, there's nothing in that car", then, our captor,
"he says that he doesn't smoke anything at all and that there is nothing in the car"
"sir, i said i smoke cigarettes"
"..., now your changing your story, "
"no sir, " im a little mad, if you know me you might understand "i said that i smoke cigarettes, but that i don't have any right now"
"well," the hwy says "we're gonna find it, so you might as well just tell us where it is"
"sir, there is not any pot in the car sir, there is nothing ... in ... the ... car."

the hwy walks to the car, opens the passenger door and sticks his torso in the car. as i sit in the passenger seat of our captor's cruiser. i think about some moderately random stuff. i think about what the chances are that they actually do find something in the car. after all, i give it a 99.9% chance that my mom doesn't have anything illegal in the car, but... i think how mad i would be if she sent me out with a dirty car ... i think 'what should i be acting like right now', probably i should just act like i am, am i fidgeting ?

"you might as well just tell us where it is, we're going to find it"
"sir, there is nothing in the car"

well, theres all that crap in the backseat. earlier i was thinking about cleaning it out for my mom, but now i realize that these two guys are going to be looking through all of my moms crap if they want to search the backseat. i almost smile, but not quite. actually, this is kind of funny if you think about it, maybe if you don't know what a full backseat of junk (i mean FULL, like definately up to the back of the headrests) ...

here we go... i think to myself

the hwy has just finished searching the front seat, both sides, he walks around to the back door, opens it and whad do u kno, a pair of socks, a green plastic planter, a small gift of unknown origin fall out of the car as he opens the door. i'm having trouble thinking of anything but how funny this is, im tempted to make a joke to the cop sitting next to me, but of course that is unwise, i tell myself maybe i should have wagered the cop that if they didn't find anything then i shouldn't get the speeding ticket.

it doesn't take long for the cop to give up on the backseat.

he stands up, looks at our captor, still sitting in the drivers seat next to me, and he shakes his head in defeat. i won't be bothered about that anymore.

well, to wrap up, they let me go after we chatted for a moment,

"what is all that stuff in the backseat?"
"that's my moms stuff"
"what is it all?"
"its junk."
"does she have animals?"
"oh, you mean the straw and stuff in the trunk? she has a job that she takes care of some cows"
"well, somebody has been smoking, not you, but somebody"
"sir, i hate to keep disagreeing with you, but nobody smoked pot in that car, you are probably just smelling the cigars that my moms husband smokes...maybe the smell of the hay too"
"well, maybe her husband smokes the 'roll your own' cigars"
"sir, i really doubt that he smokes pot, i really don't think so"
"well, you are free to go, here's your ticket"

godammit.