the sting of other lives

Shes been unhappy these last few years
since beginning to work on her degree
trying to reclaim something that was lost
her unfinished childhood
her short lived freedom

She feels trapped by her life
feels the sting of other lives not lived
all the myriad possibilities she can never taste
a mockery of her spirit
firery and fluid
light and quick and carefree

Shes searching for a reason
but finds only comfort in another
the shared depravity of useless folly
the bragged and broken arrogant life
of a ruined man
brought down by the weight
of so many lives not lived

the parable of the stone

There once was a block of stone.  The block sat through many seasons of storms, rain, snow, and wind.  Nothing could diminish the block of stone, nor make it smaller, not destroy it in any way.  It was immutable.  One day a crack appeared in the stone, it was as if the stone had broken from the inside.  The crack went from the top of the stone to nearly the bottom, but there was a small piece of stone connecting the two halves.  The crack was approximately one inch at its largest width.

The one side of the stone said, "Let us push together so that the crack may be diminished."
But the other side was the wise side, he said "Rather we should break apart and go our separate ways".

So the two halves broke along the crack that had formed.  They went their separate ways and found to their great enjoyment that it were now possible to roll in the fields and go swimming in the streams, such had their weight previously inhibited them from doing.

Seasons passed and the two stones were again beset by storms, rain, wind, and snow, but this time they were too small to spare themselves from the forces around them.  The wind buffeted them, and made them smooth.  The snow froze them, and made them diminish.  The rain soaked them, and softened their corners.  After many seasons had passed, they no longer appeared as they once were, two halves of a block.

But the two stones each felt lonely for the other, and they sought each other out.  When they found one another, they discovered that all of the shaping they had done on their own had a miraculous effect.  As they approached each other and started to caress each other they discovered that all the bumps and protrusions and boles and rends that had shaped them since separating had an equal and opposite characteristic on the other, and that when they held themselves in just such a way, they formed a perfect, solid sphere.  So exact was the fit that no seam could be seen as to where the one side started and the other stopped.

They were as one again.

re-post just because

lol, found this from a while back. funny stuff.

what, exactly, is wrong with a 28 year old getting a remote helicopter for his birthday?hmmm? no, what is wrong with that? what is wrong with going to the store and buying 10 more of those bad boys so all your friends can have one and you can have mid-air helicopter wars? huh? what's wrong with having a martini set and a remote controlled helicopter be simultaneously the best birthday presents you could have asked for?

haiku for volcano and richard murdock

good job volcano
for being better than richard murdock
we like you volcano

I was about to watch the debate between President Obama and Mitt Romney, and I was a little early and there were these negative political adds on TV.  Negative adds really disturb me so I changed the channel to NOVA on PBS, or maybe it was NATURE.  On the screen was a volcano which was erupting, it was on the beach and the lava was touching the ocean water and instantly boiling it.  The cameraman went underwater in one shot following the molten lava underwater as it cooled and turned into black, very hot rock called 'pillow lava'.

I realized that nature shows are so enjoyable because they are Positive.  they say, hey look at the world and how awesome and grand it is, NOT oh you stupid volcano we hate you for existing.  I realized that there is something fundamentally, inherently, self-evidently better about building something up as beautiful and wonderful rather than pointing out how disgusting someone is.

induction

what can be opened
    that is not closed
what can be poem
    that is not prose
for who will die
    that has not lived
and who can receive
    who has not given
and who can spell
    who can not write
and how can day come
    if there is not night
for the light exists not
    but for the dark
and every naked being
    knows this is his heart
for one and one really
    does make three
truth & reality, the same thing they
    may not be
but in reality there
    is truth
and in truth
    reality lies
the truth is in my
    heart
and reality in my
    eyes

ocean waves frozen in night shades
seagull cries break the light
pushing all motion up towards the rising sun
into the blue dizzying sky and white blind clouds

the trick is to laugh
release the emotion which is trapped inside
making room for new moments
the love of endless expanses
lonely light in the dark night
surrounded on all sides by monsters
you keep your head above water
breathing the night air through nostrils
filled brimming with promises of a new day

the trick is to cry
let the sadness fill you and encompass you
let it take its toll. so that you may live
so that you may be alive
so that you may learn
so that obstacles in your future
may be known without being touched
can be avoided without being seen
so that the pain will pass
and never again return

parable of the boy

One day a man came to town.
He brought with him many gifts and wonders which fit in the palm of your hand.
All the people flocked to him, to be delighted and enjoy the day.
But one boy did not come to see the man.
He stayed alone at the other end of town.
All day he stared up and watched the clouds,
    he listened to the birds,
    he felt the wind, and
    he was happy.
After the man had left with his pockets full,
The other boys came to ridicule the one boy who had not come to see the gifts,
    to enjoy the wonders the strange man had brought with him.
The other boys threw insults at the one boy.
They called him names and laughed and told him he was strange.
He responded,
"It is not strange to enjoy the wonders of the world, the blue sky, the white clouds, the distant mountains, the cool breeze.  It is only strange to consider only wonders that which you must pay for".

sorry

My Jess,

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you today.  What is more I'm sorry for all the times I haven't been there, like last night and the night before, when you were getting ready to go to Antonio's party.  I know I can 'help', and that when you ask for it and its not there that is painful.

The pain is not the point. 

Me not being there, unfortunately, is the point.  I am essentially trying to do whatever it is that i want to do.  What i need to do.  What i need to do is climb.  I do not need to climb so much.  What i need to do is work.  I need to work more.  What i need to do is make sure that the children are taken care of.  What i need to do is make sure that you are taken care of. 

There is no ordering on needs.  That is, no need is better than any other need, in particular there is no ordering that says what is the first need, the second need, the last need, and so on.  They are just all needs.

Here's my problems: Right now you feel you need me.  You need to figure out a lot of stuff without me.  Without me is not alone, although that is a HARD one.  I shouldn't put needs on other people, like you.  I really, really shouldn't put needs on other people that would destroy them.  I do not like this gamble.  At all.  The problem is that for whatever reason we don't seem to be able to be around each other right now, approximately 40% of the time.  The problem is that when we shouldn't be around each other we, inevitably, are.  I understand that this is not what you are mad at me about, or at least not solely.  These are my problems.

I promise i will do my best to meet all my needs except the one where I need you to do more without me.  All other needs I will do my best to achieve; each one given the consideration all needs deserve.

Like an apology, this one really comes off more as a lecture, more of an explanation than a conveyance of regret or admittance of wrongdoing.  And for that, at least, I really am truly sorry.


L,

S

a bit of poetry

frozen waves solid in night shades, piercing cries from seagulls break the light, sending all motion pushing up towards the rising sun, stretching towards the blue dizzying heights and white blind clouds

a bit of insanity

my wife is mad at me. because "i don't get her".  How mad is it that one may feel justified at being angered with a reasonable person for not understanding their insanity?

Last night i watched the children.  We've been having some serious problems of a completely new nature recently, rather big problems in my book.  But, more on that later, if ever.  Last night I watched the children, and Jess went out with friends.  I was with them all, Doug Jessica and Jess, a bit last night, but retired to my apartment (I'm living with Kyle last few weeks and for several weeks to come i imagine).  I was tired of their company, the insanity of company and the insanity of the combination of moods and persons who were present at my house last night.  So, I went home.  I read a book.

Jess called.  Can I come over to watch the kids so she can go out?  Sure.  Why not. I'll read over there.  When I get there I say, into her eyes, "you don't have to go".  Rather than the answer I was expecting, she seemed not tired and rather forced into going, but eager, excited.  I had seen this behavior and thus experienced the uneasy feeling I got from it repeatedly several months ago, but I discounted it, ignoring the fact that I had overheard Jessica talking about 'getting someone on the phone' right before I had left earlier.  After a moment, outside I asked Jess, cautiously, who was it that she was going out with.

"Oh, my friends to a bar".  Avoidance, deflection.  "Jessica and Doug have already left to go".

Well, that suited me fine.  Later find out that Justin was there too.  Not that she was alone with him, which creates all sorts of other problems for me.  Why not mention it when she was leaving?  Obvious reason #1: I might say, "fuck that", and turn my tail around and go home.  Obvious reason #2: I most likely could not have went to bed peacefully a half hour later, laying in my bed hoping Jess would come home soon to kiss me goodnight.  Completely-non-obvious-bull-shit-excuse Jess gives: I didn't think to mention it?  It didn't seem relevant?  I forgot?  I wasn't thinking about Justin at the time you asked me?

Definition: If you are reaping rewards which would have otherwise been impossible by being misleading about information that would cause the rewards to be revoked or lessened, then you are taking advantage of someone.

Axiom: Sal does not like to be taken advantage of.

Corollary: Friends who take advantage of Sal are not Sal's friends.

So, I confront Jess this morning with my pain, anger.  I tell her the cause because she is either not understanding the cause or purposefully ignoring it (another thing Sal doesn't like very much, burying problems usually leads to problem trees).  Her response, essentially: "its not like it my fault for not telling you".  What is further her response: "I'm mad at you too".  Why are you mad at me? I ask.  "For not getting me".  How mad do you have to be to feel anger at a reasonable person for not understanding your insanity?  Must I be insane to not feel the displeasure of my wife?

The path we are on is uncharted, and there are no lights.  God help us.

three things

three things:

(1) conversation can be dangerous

(2) counting is hard

and finally

(3) you're a smart cookie, you'll figure it out




(extra bonus) life is not a dream, you can't just pee anywhere you want